Haiku

fine flakes swirl around
brown rabbit frozen mid chew
wind ruffling his fur

10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. sustainabilitea
    Mar 28, 2013 @ 12:28:37

    Have you been peeking in my backyard? I have a picture very much like this. 🙂 I’m thinking tha, “around” sounds a bit plebeian for the rest of your haiku. I’m not coming up with any great words to substitute, though. What comes to mind first is “fine flakes encircle” or “encompass”, but that means you have to get rid of “swirl”, which is a good word. And the more I read it, the more “around” seems to work.

    I think my brain needs breakfast! 🙂

    At any rate, keep warm today!

    janet

    Reply

    • Whimsy Mimsy
      Mar 28, 2013 @ 17:34:15

      I changed to encircle. :)This was in my front yard as I was pulling out to take kids to the bus this morning. I tend to write at stop lights and signs while I drive so any input is always welcome!! I liked the swirl – but couldn’t think of another word for around either. Encircle made it work. Thanks. 🙂

      Reply

  2. Eric
    Mar 28, 2013 @ 12:36:44

    Poor weetle bunny… 😉

    Reply

  3. simonhlilly
    Mar 28, 2013 @ 13:44:49

    Great image. Have you tried different wording?

    Reply

  4. simonhlilly
    Mar 28, 2013 @ 13:48:39

    Also ordering of images. The sequence reveals detail but not necessariy surprises the reader. ( there are plenty of crap haiku-like verses around, I wouldn’t comment if I thought this was irredeemable ( or nasty bland bad)).

    Reply

    • Whimsy Mimsy
      Mar 28, 2013 @ 17:37:33

      Haha. Thanks. 😉

      I started out with the rabbit in the last line but couldn’t make it work – at least in my head while driving. Ill look at it again. Janet also made a point I took to change wording. 🙂 ill post a revised if I make changes:)

      Reply

  5. Alice Keys
    Mar 28, 2013 @ 22:15:26

    Lovely. I’m in Santa Barbara today. Bikini beach volleyball. (Not yours truely, though. Brought my hoop to spin. Melt soon.

    Reply

  6. typewriterpoet
    Mar 29, 2013 @ 03:05:05

    I can see this! Great use of imagery in a micro poem.

    Reply

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